Okay, now I'm sure about this hating life thing. This sucks. My results are surely dropping. I'm having english test tomorrow and science test on friday. I'm going to study soon. I'm like extremely worried. I keep falling. I feel like giving up now, I don't know what to do anymore. I try again and again, but always end up falling and hurting myself. This is so frustrating. People say, "work hard and everything will be fine, you'll be okay, just don't be lazy!" But how? Tell me true, you know I'm hopeless, I can't see the light. I'm really too distracted, I give up too easily, I couldn't last a second.

Must I really fail once to work hard? Is that the real meaning of it? I hope not, I really don't want to, I never once failed in my life. People say,"learn from your mistakes". But is it true? How do we learn? I have no guidence, no one to tell me where to go, when to start, or when to stop. Sometimes I just don't listen, I'm just stubborn. I really hope I can improve. I really hope so.

Don't you just hate your life...Exams aren't the only bad thing happening...The problem is that I can't get myself to sit up right and get my eyes off the computer for once. I'm addicted to this machine, created to ruin childrens mind, that is what I think so. I really admire people who could sit there and study quietly, peacefully and get some good results for their parents to see, more do I admire people who don't need to study and get such wonderful results. I really do. People don't know how blessed they are for not being able to play so much, they seem to be able to get better results. Not saying computer isn't good, it's good, for projects and research, but...Argh, I just don't know what to say, they are so blessed, so lucky. Sometimes, I really feel jealous that my friends are all so smart, I just have this feeling if I don't change my results will drop lower. Plainly, laziness. I just don't like people looking down on me, some people really say things so sarcastic, I really hate that. I don't have the courage to stand up for my own rights, and just be...Independent...I'm a follower, that's my destiny, I feel like changing it, but I don't have the strength, don't have the courage don't have what it takes. My heart tells me something but my mind tells me another. I just don't want to be left out, alone. I've suffered the loneliness and know the feeling of it, I know what it's like to be the only one, all alone out there. Not only with friends, but also with family. I don't have no one to turn to whenever I feel down, only cry my hearts out in the middle of the night, so no one will ever realise. No one knows what I really want. My friend ask me to tell, just say it out, but I couldn't, I don't know why.

It's been long since I updated right? I'm going to squeeze everything in today. 2 April, went to Jaycelyn's Jie, Joycelyn, party. Stay till about 9+pm before I reach home. Played the number game, it was disgusting, you won't want to know. Then went downstairs to play. First, we played crocodile at the playground, never got caught before. Then, we went to the void deck to play blind man, was fun, but once when me, Joycelyn and another girl was the catcher, chasing another 3 ppl including Jaycelyn. I banged my head with Joycelyn, painful I must say but still continued. After, we went back up to eat cake, coffee cake. Then went back on a pickup, sitting at the back was so fun, the wind was so strong, it was such an unforgetable experience. This year, Ayeshah is going to the Singapore Brainiest Kid again, I hope she can win this year. But she said that there are many people from Raffles Girls Primary, I fear competition may be tougher. I'm invited to watch again, at first I can't go, I was so dissapointed, but at the end, thanks to my father, I could go, I'm overjoyed. This year there will be more people, including Amelia, Jaycelyn and SingHui. Last year was only Marinah and me. I promise to buy something to eat there, I was starving the last time.